Talking Turkey

TURKEY breeders have created a turkey with huge breasts because people like white meat better than dark. The bird can hardly breathe and doesn't live very long, but then again it wasn't bred to live.

Benjamin Franklin, I've read, wanted to make the turkey the symbol of American—the national bird—but somehow the bald eagle won out. Franklin, of course, was thinking of the wild turkey, of which there were many during his time. He couldn't have known the turkey would end up looking like a Hollywood starlet with bowling-ball knockers.

I read there has been (and is) an onslaught of wild turkeys on Staten Island and some people find these flat-chested birds nuisances. They block traffic, among other things, and won't move when honked at. They also can be very aggressive. They're protected by federal law, so you can't just blunderbuss them the way you can an Indian.

Although wild turkeys populate other areas, people have been wondering how they got to Staten Island. They fly very well, so that's not puzzling. Or maybe a couple of them were in the New York City marathon a while back and just ran the wrong way.

What confuses me is why the turkeys would want to settle in place built on garbage. But many things in America are built on garbage, so that's not puzzling either.

The Founding Fathers should have gone with Franklin: the wild turkey, demanding equality, integration, and freedom of movement, and at all times ready to peck for it, is a true American.